MONDAY MUSINGS: Soulmates vs. Compromise vs. Joy

The supreme irony of a great relationship is that it begins when you believe you've found the one who's perfect for you, the one who gives you exactly what you need and vice versa. “Don’t change a thing for me.”Then when the relationship is established, you're willing to do anything for that person, to make compromises and even sacrifices for them. Weird, huh?

I think both viewpoints are somewhat unrealistic, perhaps even unhealthy, for a long-term relationship. Here's why.

"You're perfect for me." "You don't need to change anything for me." "We were made for each other." Hmmm. No one is perfect, not even for each other. It can feel that way, and it can come wonderfully close. If that were really true, though, there would be no need for growth and development in a relationship as it continues and matures. I'm not the same person I was ten, twenty, fifty years ago. Why should I expect a relationship to remain unchanged? A body of water with no dynamic movement is called stagnant and can breed all sorts of nasty things. So, too, for a relationship. Change is a part of life. It’s how we grow.

On the other end of the spectrum, doing "anything" for someone, making unlimited compromises for someone is just as unrealistic and unhealthy. There are things I would not do for anyone, not even my own mother, and that's as extreme as I can put it. Fortunately, those whom I really love and care about won't expect me to do any of those things. Being a moral and ethical person means having limits on one's behavior. Meatloaf's song says it perfectly: "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that."

There's also a fine line between accommodating a loved one's desires and wishes, and facilitating harmful, unsafe, or damaging behavior. Sometimes loving someone means knowing when, and having the strength, to just say "no."

A recent post on my Facebook page, "Men Doing Romance" (www.facebook.com/MenDoingRomance/) talked about the desire to "make someone happy." It talks about a famous couple who are not trying to make each other happy, which is more of an internal process anyway, but helping each other become the person that God intends them to be, which will help them live a joyful life. That will involve things that don't always make the other person happy.

So—those are hard lessons to learn, probably because it’s so tempting to give in and believe in perfection, in others or in one’s self. Instead we should believe in striving for excellence, and for being better today, separately and together, than you were, separately and together, yesterday.

Don’t be stagnant. Don’t try for, or expect, perfection. Be grateful for someone who has the courage and love to say “no,” to strive for Godly joy rather than to be “happy.” Find someone like that and you’ve got a winner.